The Awesome Machine

Guh.

Aaron — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 08:04:04 +0000

“Wow. I love this person more than life itself. Every moment we spend together is like all the light in the heavens exploding inside our every atom. We are each other’s universe; every breath we share is in anticipation of the next. And we’re finally getting married. If only the most glorious day in our lives together could be commercialized, and every move and detail completely decided by a bunch of morons with nothing better to do than spend their waking hours devoting themselves to a social networking site! What’s that you say? IT CAN!? And all we have to do is make a 5 minute video explaining why we want that? Sign us the fuck up! Love you, sweetheart!”

What a bunch of horseshit! Who the fuck would let this happen to their wedding!?

I think I just puked blood.

Aaron — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 02:26:19 +0000

Really!? I’m still wondering WHY THE FUCK this guy is famous. I hope every single one of these people has something really terrible happen to them. I don’t understand how you can become famous for being a rich, whiny douchebag who has 2 facial expressions and the IQ of a bonsai tree. And now he’s starting a rap “career?” God, I hope he gets swine flu. Or shot. Hey, Apocalypse? You can get started any time now.

UPDATE
Here are some choice fucking quotes from the interview I can’t believe I wasted my time reading:

“It took people like 50 Cent to come along and, you know, he’s on the Forbes list making $500 million, so I’m like, ‘Wow, there can be a lot of money in this.”

“Let me be clear: I’m making phenomenally great music. “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here” is one of the catchiest songs in years. I plan on making hit music, but I just don’t believe that it’s like when Eminem first came out with “Lose Yourself.” I’m not trying to make an inspiring song right now. I’m just making what the market wants right now. Ringtone rap.”

Sweet fucking lord, someone needs to stop this guy.

“I have more street cred than any new dudes.”

REALLY!? A bitch ass, rich, suburban, spoiled white kid has ANY sort of “street cred?” Bullshit. My turds have more street cred than this fucker.

“I’ll challenge pretty much anyone to a fight, if that’s what is needed to prove my street cred. If it’s about toughness, I’m tough. If it’s about how many guns you have, nobody has more guns that me. If it’s about ammo, nobody has more ammo than me.

Must. Not. Kill. Myself.

“I mean, everybody keeps on asking me to freestyle. But I always say, “Please, I don’t do freestyle, my goal out here is to get paid.” The word “free” does not exist in Spencer Pratt’s vocabulary.”

That’s it. Now I want to drive down there and blow up his whole fucking neighborhood. I just can’t fucking believe him.
Here is the actual article if you want to read more magic from this fucking joke of a human being.

omegle.com is awesome.

Aaron — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 02:24:05 +0000

If you don’t know, Omegle is a website in which you chat with random strangers. And it’s REAL fun to fuck with people (by the way, “you” is me):

Stranger: hi
You: Presevervation of spiders and their kin must be in liquid, either 80% grain alcohol or 70-80% isopropyl alcohol, as these animals are soft bodied and cannot be pinned and dried.
Stranger: huh?
You: It’s true.
Stranger: thx
You: they’ll just fall right apart.
You: Damn spiders.
Stranger: ok.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You: Yo dawg.
Stranger: yo
Stranger: wazap
You: Dis be da Lowered Jeezus.
You: Yalls sinz be absolved and shit.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You: American Sign Language
Stranger: wus gud ma nigga.
You: Omlets are good.
Stranger: how u doin kiko
You: I bet you like malt liquor.
You: And Kools.
Stranger: im aint black jackass
You: You certainly act like it.
Stranger: im a ghettoh bred fool
Stranger: i guess ur not
You: They have internet there?
Stranger: lol
Stranger: lol
You: This is amazing news.

Stranger: South Park the shit
You: Agreed.
You: My favorite character is the cat.
Stranger: Your one of the creators , right ?
You: You know, Stimpy.
You: Yes.
Stranger: You’re Matt.
You: I am Raymond K. Hessle, inventor of The South Park.
You: I invented it in 1922 as a way to fight polio.
Stranger: C’mon , I know that you’re one of the creators.
You: I just said that I am!
You: I’m THE creator!
You: My real name is Huzzah.
Stranger: No , I’m the Creator , ‘THAT’ Creator. I’m god.
You: Prove it.
Stranger: Tomorrow you will see.
You: HOW!?
Stranger: Just wait and you will find out.
You: The anticipation is killing me!
Stranger: when you will make another movie ?
You: I just stabbed my monitor!
You: I have moved on from movies.
Stranger: like bigger longer uncut
You: I am now creating a silicone based protein that will cure AIDS and kill black people.
Stranger: Oh , so cool.
Stranger: I want your msn , Matt.
Stranger: In fact , I want you.
You: What is this msn?
You: Mission?
You: My mission is to convert the masses.
You: TO GARLIC TOAST!
Stranger: Your mesiah
Stranger: teh mesiah
You: Seriously it’s good stuff.
Stranger: i’m teh antichrist
You: My messiah is you, O Lord.
Stranger: Yes , my son.
Stranger: Pray.
You: I herd you liek Christs.
Stranger: It’s my son.
Stranger: Jesus Christ.
You: Calm down, no need to curse!
Stranger: You believe in me , right ?
You: Esoterically, yes.
Stranger: Matt , your the best.
You: HUZZAH.
Stranger: Where are you now ?
You: The center of the Earth.
Stranger: Hot , right ?
Stranger: You’re in hell dude
You: Yeah, the AC broke.
Stranger: Did you see Satan and Saddam there
You: Kinda hot in these rhinos.
You: MJ just showed up!
You: DANCE PARTY!
You: And children.
Stranger: C’mon , not MJ ! He’s with me in Heaven , he’s one of my angels.
Stranger: maybe marry jane
Stranger: she was a bitch
You: Yep. It’s her.
Stranger: I’m Spiderpig ahem man
You: You a shape shifter, eh?
Stranger: i’m skinny
You: Certainly.
You: Try some garlic toast, it’ll fix you right up!
Stranger: you’re chef right
You: Cheif Minnetonka, actually.
Stranger: your from asia?
Stranger: so ure not Matt ?
You: The Marshall Island.
You: I AM HUZZAH, LORD OF THE WICKER PEOPLE.
Stranger: bye , see you in hell
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You: What do you know about filoviruses!!?
Stranger: what is the filoviruses!!?
You: QUICKLY!
You: I MAY have ebola.
You: Or VD, it’s hard to tell at this juncture.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You: Oh?
Stranger: hi
Stranger: wherer r u
You: The sun.
Stranger: ]oh
Stranger: cool
Stranger: is it hot
You: It’s REAL warm here. Where are you?
Stranger: mon
Stranger: moon
Stranger: haha
You: OH HAI!
Stranger: hi
You: What about them astronauts?
You: All walkin on you and shit.
You: Stick flags in your head, stealing rocks.
Stranger: shit
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Stranger: hii
You: I own a chapstick factory.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Stranger: 19 m north korea
You: LIAR
Stranger: its true
You: THEY HAVE NO INTERNETS!
Stranger: yes, they do if you are priviledge
Stranger: if you are part of workers party
You: What is this?
Stranger: workers party is political party
Stranger: ruling in dprk
You: I am American. You hate me.
Stranger: i am no peasent
Stranger: American, we do not hate
Stranger: we just see we are superior
Stranger: we have finest technology
Stranger: finest crop
You: your missiles fail!
Stranger: we do not intend for them to reach america
You: FAIL MISSILES!
Stranger: WINSILES.
Stranger: do not speak down to me charlie
You: I have seen it!
Stranger: glorious dprk will prevail
You: Why did 1 million people die of starvation there?
Stranger: it was their wish
Stranger: to help glorious nation
You: Ah.
Stranger: they would rather die in north korea
You: Makes ense.
Stranger: than live in the west
You: sense
Stranger: thank-you you are now seeing our logic
You: Yes. I am moving there now.
Stranger: this is good
Stranger: premier bush will allow?
You: He is no longer premiere.
Stranger: he has died?
You: No.
Stranger: which son of his is replace?
You: None. We now have a black man as a leader.
You: CHAOS!
Stranger: a black man?
Stranger: a man with a black face?
You: Yes.
Stranger: the slaves have uprised?
You: Oh yes. It’s madness in the streets.
Stranger: i am sad for you
Stranger: your crops must be failing
You: It’s fun.
You: Our d\crops are made by scientists. They cannot fail.
Stranger: hmmm
Stranger: this must be espionage
Stranger: you have stolen our state secrets
You: No. It is forseen by our mystics to be THE WAY.
Stranger: there is only one true mystic
Stranger: dear leader Kim Jong-Il
You: Do u liek…
Stranger: mudkipz are outlawed in the dprk
You: Terrible news!
You: I’ll mail you some.
Stranger: thank you charlie
Stranger: I must go.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You: Tell me things.
Stranger: hi
You: Awesome things.
Stranger: what kind?
You: The best kinds.
Stranger: erm theres a hot guy down the street?
You: Does he need ice water?
You: Is he dehydrated?
You: How hot is he?
Stranger: how the hell am i supposed to know?
Stranger: he is VERY hot
You: Like fever hot?
You: Get his phone number, then give it to me.
You: It’s great idea.
You: Slut.
You have disconnected.

Try it. It’s hilarious.

Personal rants, etc.

Aaron — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 09:58:04 +0000

This might not matter to anyone but me, but it’s my blog, so I’ll write. I’m not entirely sure many people read this anyway. For a long time (rough estimate, 5+ years…) I’ve had major problems with anxiety. To the point where I am losing my mind over things that I shouldn’t really care about. Things that don’t matter. Money, status, 401k, retirement, what I should’ve done, etc. All of these things have weighed heavy on my mind. But I’ve recently realized that what makes for true happiness is following your gut, your heart, and your instinct. I refuse to look back on my life in regret, because I’ve done the things I felt are in MY best interest. I didn’t go to college, I left my home town, I moved to a strange city, I stayed single (not entirely my choice), and I haven’t found a “career.” But I’m free. And I decided that anxiety and panic should NOT have a part in my life. It’s too short to be afraid or nervous. Life for RIGHT NOW. Because this life; right now; is the only thing you have. Above all else, you are alive. Embrace that. Be in love with being alive. It’s the greatest gift you’ve been given.

Japanese band names!

Aaron — Mon, 18 May 2009 20:25:36 +0000

In one month and one day, I will be returning to The Land Of The Rising Sun (going back to Japan). I honor of this trip, I thought I’d post some of the band names I observed while over there in 2006. Note that all spelling errors are theirs, not mine.

Maximum The Hormone
Hellpunch
Throwing Life
The Swiss Porno
Sorrow Sheeps
The Ellephant Of Music
Dead Lobstar
All For Meal
Drop The Junky Bomb
Fuck The Forest
The World Apartment Horror
Smack Da Booty
Green Peas Young
When The Leaf Seared
Child Kid Nappers
Crazy Hitman
Spicy Socks
ENEMA51
Screw Walker
Something Riot
Dead Snake C’mon!
Four Get Me A Nots

These are/were all REAL bands in Japan.

Stupid shit.

Aaron — Fri, 08 May 2009 23:47:14 +0000

I hadn’t checked my livejournal in quite some time, so I thought I would today. And I saw this:

You know, just in case I’d forgotten.
Fuck.

Winnie Cooper=ZING

Aaron — Wed, 06 May 2009 01:35:36 +0000

I love you, Danica.

From this:

To this:

I am now 26.

Aaron — Mon, 04 May 2009 08:55:43 +0000

It’s my birthday. So I thought I’d take a moment to reflect a bit. I have been alive for 26 years. I’ve done some shit along the way. I have actually done some pretty cool shit when I think about it. I haven’t had any schooling past high school, and while I sometimes look back and think “Hey, maybe I should’ve done the whole college/married/kids/house thing,” I’m kinda glad I didn’t. Sure, I don’t have a fancy, high end career (in fact, right now I don’t have a job at all), but I am for all intents and purposes content with every choice I’ve made. I chose to play music, and I’ve lost the “rock star” dream I had when I was 11, but I have done something far more important than become rich and famous, which is follow my heart wherever it takes me and along the journey, I’ve actually inspired other people to do something amazing. I don’t think that anything I’ve done musically is epically groundbreaking, but the fact that people liked my band(s) at all is something that not everyone gets to experience. I’ve been on quite a few rad tours, met some seriously amazing people, played with some of my favorite bands, and even played in Japan. I moved to Seattle and broke the small-town curse I thought I’d be stuck with forever. I have loved and been loved. I have AMAZING friends. Of course, I have done some things I look back on with regret. Mostly the fucking savage car accident I caused (that almost killed 5 people), and all the things I did/didn’t do in past relationships, but I’m pretty ok at understanding that the past is done. Too late, brah. Suck it up. All in all, I wouldn’t trade ANY moment in my life for anything, because they’ve shaped me into who I am today. And love me or hate me, I’m happy being me…

Aaron — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 01:40:36 +0000

“Like a kiss, soft, and wild with the delicate steps of petals fallen into a stream
This swirling ballerina turns in a faint and sighing grandeur
Across the floor to me.
A monarch plays the violin to a summer’s afternoon
Whilst quietly the earthworm adores the soil in winter’s sparkling gloom
It breaks away, growing as the flowers do.

A thunderhead embraces his enraptured lover
And kisses with a gale that also makes the cattails shudder.
His tears cannot, as he proclaims his love, be held with lightning back;
They fondly dance into an open window
And fondly dance with mine.

Our eyelashes weaken with a weight that is sweet and fine,
And this feels like frogs and spiders in the sweet outside.
Tell me why world, unfathomable and good,
The beauty of everything is infinite and cruel.

An airplane, a puppet, an orange, a spoon,
A window, and outside
Stars and the moon.”
-Marathon by Kayo Dot.

Botch cover band

Aaron — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 04:27:02 +0000

Me, pretending to be Brian Cook from Botch:

“GOOOOOONNNNEEEEEE!!”

On Friday, Me, Andrew and Jerome from Kane Hodder, and Brian from Schoolyard Heroes played a set of Botch tunes in Bremerton. This is the second (and most likely last) time we’ve done this. What a fun set to play. The songs were monstrously hard to learn, but I think we pulled it off pretty well. I kinda felt like I was treading on holy ground, but fuck it, I got to pay homage to one of my favorite bands of all time. I was a little bit disappointed at the high level of kids who had no clue who Botch were, but I guess not everything in the universe can be perfect. Thanks to Jerome, Andrew, and Brian for being the band with me, and everyone who came out.